Breaking: DeShawn Wins Beard Bet

By Preston Keres - TWP.

DeShawn Stevenson is a stubborn man. He made it clear to me many times that there was not a realistic scenario in which he would lose his much-discussed beard bet with Drew Gooden. I fully expected both men to eventually meet their maker while rocking a Methuselah.

Well, I expected wrong. Drew Gooden may be a fine NBA basketball player, but he evidently lacks DeShawn’s untrimmable will to win. From the profile of DeShawn in this month’s issue of SLAM:

Beyond the material stuff, No. 2 also gets love on the streets. Like a Capitol Hill politician, the Washington guard gives dap on the streets and autographs hats at restaurants. Maybe folks recognize the facial hair. (”By the way, I won the beard contest with Drew Gooden. He cuts his. I need my money, too, Drew!”)

And then, boom, that’s it, the story moves on. In one of the most stunning journalistic lapses since Barry Svrluga neglected to take photos of Nick Johnson’s Lightning Bolt, the SLAM writer evidently forgot to ask DeShawn what becomes of his facial hair now; specifically, which charity will benefit when he ends up auctioning off the bag of trimmings some night at Love. But that’s ok, because SLAM dropped several other soul patches worth of knowledge. Like:

* DeShawn bought 10 copies of Lil Wayne’s “Tha Carter III” and might go buy 10 more. This is the theory I employ with pacifiers; you can never have too many laying around, just in case.

* DeShawn’s friend Carl Ross, the man who wore a coonskin cap to the ’80s party, also likes to talk. “His swagger is too crazy to not be on top,” Carl said, concerning DeShawn’s feud with LeBron.

* DeShawn has decided to scale back the war of words with LeBron and be properly respectful of The King, except in an opposite sort of way. “I don’t care how big you are,” he said. “I feel like he’s an awesome player, but I feel like if you attack me, do it like I do it. Say it out loud. Don’t be one of those scary [?] girls and say it behind closed doors where nobody’s gonna hear you. If you don’t like something I do, say it out loud so we can deal with it as two men.”

Did he just call LeBron a scary girl?

* And most importantly, DeShawn knows that Not Feeling One’s Face has become a cultural signifier. Here’s what he said:

“I started seeing lil’ kids do it. Then the Playoffs started and it just took to a whole different level. LeBron did it back at me. When I walk into the clubs, people do it. It’s a good response. I take it as respect. I feel like, if I wasn’t nobody, they wouldn’t know what it was or they wouldn’t do it.”

Quadruple negative! Is it up or is it down! Is it good or is it wack? Only the Man With the Beard knows! But in terms of cultural signification, please read on. This comes from Reader Pete:

Was at the Celtics-Pistons Game 5 last night in Boston. They showed the Patriots DE Jarvis Green on the Jumbotron and he did the I can’t feel my face move. Just thought you would like to know that its sweeping the nation.

This previously mentioned e-mail came from Reader Mark:

I am pretty sure I just saw Lastings Milledge do the DS “I can’t feel my face” after an RBI single in the bottom of the 2nd inning (Saturday afternoon game against the Pirates). After his hit the camera panned to him at first base, and right then I saw what appeared to be Milledge waving his hand over his face.

And this came from Reader Redd:

Today I was watching Wimbledon Tennis, Murray vs. Malisse and Andy Murray the British No. 1 had one two straight points, the second of which was a pretty convincing ace. As he walked back to the service line from hitting the shot he put his hand in front of his face and waved it a la Deshawn Stevenson. Being a big Wizards and Bog fan I felt your attention should be brought to this.

Hey, let’s keep going. THIS one came from Reader Chris:

My son is 21 months old and is learning new words every day. Lately, he’s been taking to repeating everything I say. So in honor of Gilbert, whenever I change his diaper, I shoot it into the trash can (at an amazingly high percentage!) and say “Hibachi!” So when I did it today, I hear my son repeat “Hi ba ba.” I take it he’s glad that Gilbert’s staying with our Wiz too!

More from the DeShawn story at Bullets Forever. More Wizards madness at Wizznutzz, which is debuting new t-shirts and new incites this week. Now I’ve got to go home and teach my daughter to say Hi ba ba.

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